Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize