i just wanna soil my oats bro
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Randomize
