So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
