dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
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