he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
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