Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
I would fuck him just for his dog
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize