also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Randomize
