i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
