He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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