Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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