you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
