dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
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