Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
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