Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
