Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
