if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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