my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
