Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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