I haven't been this sober since birth.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
Randomize
