she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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