Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize