On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
I forgot how hot balto sounded
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
I love having hate sex.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
