i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
