I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
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