so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
