We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Randomize
