just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
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