I was born with a shot glass in my hand
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
My feet surprised me
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