I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
Randomize
