i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
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