my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
It's blow job season.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
