How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Randomize
