It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
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