woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
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