Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Randomize
