I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize