I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Randomize
