capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Randomize
