Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
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