Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
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