life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
