Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Randomize
