What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
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