im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
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