im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
