I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Randomize
