I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
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