did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
