the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
Randomize
