don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
come over anyways, right now, right this second
it can be a super quick quicky, then you can go back to studying
wow, that sounds SO fun, please stop enticing me with premature ejaculation
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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