Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
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