dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
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