If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
