the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize