I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
The adults are the big ones right?
Randomize
