Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
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