Is it because I queefed?
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Randomize
