i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
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