why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
I love how my cats smell like pot.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
