So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Randomize
