Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
