i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
You are not answering and I think it is because you spent 80 dollars worth of drinks on you hot cousin.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Randomize
