I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
you would pick up someone in the library
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
Randomize
