i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
