how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
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