Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Randomize
